Unexpected Tears

This week, I sent an email that conveyed a decision that I can honestly say has been the hardest decision I've had to make as a parent thus far. I've balled my eyes out several times since. This is a hard week for me. This is not a place I ever expected to be.

When I began the adoption process and got closer to the gotcha day where I would finally bring my son home -  my concern regarding our dog was that he'd be terrified of her. Which he was for over a month. It was challenging and stressful for all 3 of us. I had to put up a baby gate and keep them separated. When I would let her out or feed her, I had to carry Mihretu and he clung to me for dear life out of pure terror. He would scream if she would sniff his feet while I was carrying him. This was hard but this... this scenario... I expected. I had other friends who have adopted children who were also terrified of dogs. It didn't make it an easier but I had hope that this season would pass and they would become buddies. It passed after about a month when he finally started to warm up to her out in the backyard where there was wide open spaces and he would throw her sticks. It wasn't long after that when he transitioned from being scared to just loving her to pieces, wanting to help feed her, let her outside, give her treats, take her for walks, and hug her. I was so happy to be past that hard stage.

But we really weren't past the hard stage at all. Once he warmed up to her and started getting near her - she started getting snappy with him because she was anxious. Early on, I contacted the animal rescue agency I adopted her from and began talking to them about what to do. They had lots of pointers which we immediately implemented. I also ended up having a dog trainer come to the house to work with us too. She gave me some direction too and seemed to think that Auty was just anxious around Mihretu at times and simply warning him to back away at times when she growled or snapped at him. She told me some things to avoid (him getting near her while she's under the table or in any kind of "den" scenario, not letting her on the bed or couch with us, etc.) and basically just said that I should never allow them to be alone together without me there and that I needed to keep working with Mihretu on how to interact with Auty. We've been doing all of those things. Mihretu has learned to be super gentle and careful around her. I'm also on alert watching their interactions and jumping in to change the setting whenever it looks like Auty is getting anxious or annoyed. It works a lot of the times and I felt hopeful and encouraged that we could do this and that eventually once Auty was used to Mihretu, she'd love him and stop snapping at him. But even with all the things we are doing that she suggested, it's still a challenge on a regular basis and she is still snapping at him in random moments almost weekly. I know some dogs are just not the best for homes with small kids. I just didn't think Auty would be one of those dogs. And the fact is his fast movements and loud noises simply make Auty very anxious.

I love her so much. It truly feels like part of my heart is being ripped out. I've prayed about this decision and it has literally take me 6 months to even come to grips with it or to be able to make this decision. Mostly cause I wanted to give it time because I hoped beyond hope that it would get better. It's still happening and so I have to face the reality of the situation for the safety of my child. Ultimately, as much of a sacrifice this is for me, I know that it's the right decision - for Mihretu's safety and honestly for Auty too. It's not fair for her to live in a home where she's anxious. The thing that I'm holding on to right now is the hope that the perfect family for her is near and it'll be a family that doesn't have small children and is able to love on her like she loves so much - like I was able to do before I became a mom to Mihretu. When it was just me and her, I gave her my full attention. She is one of the most affectionate dogs I have ever met. She loves to snuggle and she's just such a sweet, sweet dog. Other people who've met her say the same thing - she is a snuggly, loveable dog like none other. I fell in love with her instantly and can't even believe that I have to let her go. This just sucks. There's no other way to put it.



We still have Auty at our house while the animal adoption agency tries to secure a foster family for her while they do the search for a permanent home. We are continuing to be very cautious in the meantime. And I am praying many prayers that the perfect family will come along quickly so that Auty can have as little transition as possible. It hurts my heart to think she will feel abandoned. And to think about how Mihretu will respond. He's going to be devastated too. It's just a heartbreaking situation all around. Just because you know the right thing to do doesn't mean it's easy. Please pray for us and especially for Auty - that she would find a permanent home that really will be forever this time. Once I know she has that - I will feel so much better about the whole situation. She's an amazing, sweet, snuggly, awesome dog that will thrive in an environment with lots of love and without little kids. The right family is going to love her like I have. And she is going to love all the attention they will give her. I just hope they come along soon. And in the meantime, I'm trying to prepare Mihretu for the change and love on Auty as much as I can while she's still with us. And I'm also trying to grieve this. Lots of tears. Tears that I never expected to be crying because I never expected to be in this situation.

The Lucky One

I can't speak for other adoptive moms but I can speak for myself and I'm gonna be honest and tell you that it makes me cringe a little bit when people say "Mihretu is so lucky to have you" or even things like "you're doing such a great job with him". I don't get upset and I totally appreciate the place where those words are coming from so it's ok when people say them. But the thing is - there are LOTS of moments (most moments) where I don't feel like I'm doing a great job at all - where I'm just figuring it out as we go and messing up along the way. There are even more moments than that where I don't think Mihretu is the lucky one in this family at all. I am.

How did I get chosen in all the world to be his mom? This little boy is absolutely precious, amazing, brilliant, funny, resilient, strong-willed, snuggly and truly a gift from God. A gift that I get the honor to watch grow and do my best to try and parent. I'm the lucky one.

I've been thinking a lot lately about adoption for obvious reasons. Adoption is beautiful. But it also comes from loss. I get to be mom to this precious child only because someone else wasn't able to. So while yes Mihretu now has a mommy - he had to lose one first. And that is a huge loss. Adoption is God's heart. He adopted us. I see Him in the intentionality of the adoption process. He gave up everything to rescue us. He sent His own son to pay the ransom to do so.

Anyone who has adopted a child knows that it doesn't just happen. You choose to do it. You spend months and sometimes years doing every little piece of paperwork and shameless fundraising event and hoop jumping you have to - to bring a child home forever. All along knowing all the horror stories of so and so who lost their referral or X country that shut down adoptions or paperwork that got messed up and never completed or whatever crazy reason why this family or that family wasn't able to adopt the child they thought they were going to adopt. And all the pain and loss that comes with that. Families that often pick back up and fight again for another child and hope beyond hope that this time it really happens and they get to bring a little one into their family. Adoption is a choice that involves a daily decision to continue to pursue that choice. And oh the celebration when we finally hear the judge say "he's yours" or "she's yours".

And then, even then, it's just the beginning of the intentionality involved in all of this. Because now your child is home and now the real work begins. The road to restoration. The pain, the loss, the confusion. This child whom everyone says is lucky - this child doesn't feel lucky. All they know is that these people are strangers, this setting unfamiliar and sometimes even the language is not the same. Everything they knew, no matter how unhealthy or broken, is gone. How would we feel in their place? How would we respond? Probably not half as well as most of these strong, resilient little survivors do. After all, our kids have learned to survive in hard conditions. But don't let that fool you into thinking they are ok with it all or even happy or feeling lucky about it. Most likely they won't. Not right away anyway. But hopefully you'll hang in there dear family and keep loving and nurturing and doing all you can to encourage attachment and build trust and then over time - you will hopefully get to see your child coming alive in a new way. You'll get to see them thrive instead of just survive. Your family will begin to thrive too. And hopefully it doesn't take a long time to begin to see it. But sometimes it does. And we just don't know going into it what our story will look like.

We just know we're called and we believe that it's worth it all.

And it is.

Mihretu has been home just 6 months and he's blossoming. I'm sure his heart is not completely healed and this journey to restore what was lost will be a long one that really only God can truly complete. But I get to be a part of the story. I get to be a part of the road to healing. I get to watch this sweet boy grow and learn and laugh. I'm amazed every day at how amazing he is. He's super funny and silly. He makes me laugh. And sometimes I make him laugh - it's this adorable little belly laugh that just makes your whole body well up with overflowing joy. He learns a new word or phrase almost every day and his capacity to use all of these new words in a new language in the correct context just truly blows my mind. He's speaking in small sentences now. He's learned to say "me" when referring to himself instead of "you" or "my" like he used to. He's learning to count and knows a handful of colors and shapes. His motor skills have improved so much that you'd think 2 years had gone by since he came home. It's crazy amazing. He's almost done with his swim classes and it's been so worth all the running around to get him there cause he just does so well and loves it so much. He's a great little swimmer and loves to be underwater! He's learning manners like saying please and thank you and excuse me. He now says I'm sorry if he accidentally hurts someone. He thinks of things on his own that show his nurturing kind-hearted nature. Like the day that he accidentally scratched me and I said "buddy, be careful - you scratched mommy" and he said "sorry" and then about 10 minutes later he decided on his own that he should get a bandaid and put it on my scratch. Or when I had the flu and was coughing up a lung and he walked into the other room and came back with my water. Or when his friend from small group's shoe fell off and he rushed over to put it back on her. He's just thoughtful. It's really neat to get to have a front row seat to watch him learn and grow and see who God made him to be. He's an amazing kid. The more time goes by, the more I'm just in awe of it all. And the more thankful I am. I'm learning daily how to be a mom. And as a family we are thriving instead of just surviving these days. We're figuring each other out and yes, we both get frustrated with one another but we also have so much fun together. We dance and sing and make faces at each other. Everyday is an adventure. I just love being his mom.

Yes, I'm the lucky one.

Tears into Joy

I went to a benefit dinner for another ministry last night. It was really amazing and I had a great time with my friend and co-worker Rachel who went with me. Another friend watched Mihretu.

I found out when I got home that he cried for an hour at bedtime which seriously made me want to just sit and cry my eyes out. That broke my heart. I had said I lay down with him until he falls asleep but she didn't realize that he has never fallen asleep without me in there. He doesn't fall asleep by himself alone in the room. She stayed in there for a bit but ended up leaving the door open but going out of the room. He finally fell asleep after about an hour and a lot of crying. I just kept hearing "don't let adopted kids cry it out" over and over in my head when she was telling me this. In reality, it's just one night and she truly just didn't realize that we don't do bedtime like that and I'm sure this one night will not traumatize him for life. Next time, she'll know. And the next night, I'll lay with him like we always do. But just knowing my sweet boy cried himself to sleep - man, that makes me emotional. I got ready for bed super lightning fast and then went in there and got him out of bed and brought him in with me. As soon as I picked him up and he halfway woke up - he started crying. I just whispered "Mommy's home. It's ok buddy. You're gonna sleep with mommy." He snuggled up to me like he was holding on for dear life and fell back asleep in seconds and slept like a rock the whole night. My sweet boy.

When he woke up this morning, he kept hugging me and smiling this huge smile like he was so happy I was there. He woke up about 30 minutes before we needed to so that was good cause that allowed some snuggled time before we had to rush and get ready for school.

I talked to him about the night before and told him "I heard you were crying at bedtime buddy. Auntie didn't know that you don't go to sleep in your big boy bed by yourself. I'm sorry you were upset buddy." Then I asked him "Why were you crying buddy?" and sweet boy said "mommy come" and I said "because you wanted mommy to come?" and he said "yes". Break my heart that I wasn't there when he needed mommy. A night out here and there is nice but when it means my sweet boy is upset - not even worth it. I know this was a rare occasion though and my friend who watched him felt bad when I told her he has never fallen asleep alone. Next time she watches him - I know she'll change how she does it. And of course, I'll be sure to stress that detail with any future babysitter from here to kingdom come:) I can't assume everyone would just know that. I'm glad Mihretu and I talked about it this morning. And I'm really glad she told me that he cried like that so I could be extra sensitive to him this morning and give him extra snuggle and us time.

I was just thinking this morning about the overwhelming love I feel for him. And how different these things affect me now than they did at first. It was a neat confirmation at how far I've come in the attachment process. I finally feel like how I thought I would as a mom - connected to his emotions like that. It seems like literally every day, it grows more and more. I had thought it would be instant. It wasn't but it's been a beautiful growing process. And everyday it's deeper and stronger. Perhaps this is how the process is for him too. Not instant in every way but growing over time as he learns to trust me and begins to understand I'm his forever momma. He's never had that before. I've never had a son before. We're growing in this bond together. So thankful for that little man and how God is in this. He's providing, He's guiding, He's working with me on my junk and teaching me new aspects of His ways, He's giving me new revelations of His love for me through the love that I feel for my son. He's an amazing God. He even uses a night of tears to reveal things to us. I think Mihretu and I both appreciated each other a little bit more this morning. God uses everything! Adoption is a beautiful story of redemption and love and healing and a reminder of how God has adopted us as sons and daughters. I'm so thankful to be on this journey with Mihretu. I'm blessed beyond measure to be his momma.

All the Single Ladies... and men too

Sorry, couldn't add this post without quoting that song:)

In all seriousness though, when I was starting the adoption process as a single - I was having a hard time finding blogs about single adoption. Now I'm finding tons of them but for whatever reason - the key words I was typing in on google, just weren't bringing up many results. In case you're having the same problem...

Just came across this blog that actually references my blog on a list of other single foster and adoptive parent blogs - guys and girls. Cool!

Wanted to link to it for anyone who comes here hoping to find such info. Click here for for a list: http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2013/03/single-foster-and-adoptive-blogs.html#.UXb5_4W7Bs8

Making Mommy Smile

Mihretu made me smile this morning.

The fact that the morning was positive and resulting in lots of smiling is awesome considering he also had a big ole meltdown at the table because he wanted to dump out his water and get cold water and I told him I would do it and he needed to stay at the table and finish his breakfast because I know how long the water filling process takes with my water-loving kiddo. He melted down and took off running into the other room and let out the loudest frustrated scream you can think of from a little person. I stayed calm and didn't react. I just told him right away in a very calm friendly voice that is not how he gets what he wants and he needs to rejoin me for breakfast when he's ready to let it go. It was less than 2 minutes of letting out his frustration and he walked up to me calmly. I said "do you want to sit on my lap and finish breakfast?" and he said yes and climbed right up and ate his breakfast and smiled at me like nothing had just happened. Wow - when I stay calm - these situations really do blow over so much faster. And then we're having a sweet little breakfast moment with him on my lap showing me all the strawberries he's finding in his oatmeal a minute later. YAY!!!!

That makes me happy but the specific things that made my morning were 3 things on the way to school.

1. We turned on the next street over and the house on the corner that had a big nativity scene at Christmas time was being passed. I hear "no Jesus" from the back seat. I turned and looked back to see what he actually said and then I saw he was looking at that house and realized he was commenting that the nativity scene isn't there and therefore there is no Jesus. I just started laughing cause that was 4 months ago and we talked about it not being there in January but haven't brought it up since. But today, he just remembered it had been there and wasn't there now. I just thought that was so cute. And although I'm pretty sure he had no idea what I was talking about, I replied with a very cheesy but true Christian answer "Jesus isn't there but He's always here in our hearts." He just looked confused and started talking about something else. ha ha

2. We were almost to school and about to pass the entrance to Briley Parkway which is one of those on-ramp entrances. On the way from school to swimming lessons, that's the way we take. It's not the way we take any other time. And on the way to school - we've never taken that way nor did I even realize he was paying much attention to our drive. Today as we passed it, he points and says "swimming - that way". Smart little buddy - I was amazed and of course encouraged him that it was indeed the way to swimming and that was such a smart boy to notice that. It amazes me the things he notices.

3. We got to school as many other parents were arriving, including a little girl that LOVES Mihretu and likes to hug him, follow him around and walk in or out of school with him whenever possible. She came running to go in with him. He turned around to give me a hug and then ran in. A few seconds later she ran up to him to walk up the hill with him. I was watching from the van at this point and saw him say something to her and then he handed her his sweatshirt to carry for him. That cracked me up. He talked this little girl into carrying his stuff.

Anyway, he made me smile this morning and I just wanted to share:) 

6 months and spring has come

Mihretu had his first sleepover last weekend with my friend and her family. I cried a little bit when Rachel's van pulled away with him in it. I was excited to have some me time and to see how the overnight went but was also just realizing how much of a big boy he already is and how far we've come in this journey together. It's crazy to think about how many years biological families would have had up to this point of a first sleepover for a 4 year old. It's been just 6 months for us since he came home - he's already 4, he already had a sleepover. What a whirlwind. I missed him like crazy and the house felt strange and quiet. The dog was confused and kept looking for him. I had almost like a flashback to life before him and the cool thing is - it didn't feel right. I would not want to go back. I don't want a quiet house. I missed my little man and his questions and hugs and silliness. It's nice to have moments like that to step away so you can really see how blessed you are.

It's been 6 months since we became a family. It's been hard and I've had to wrestle with issues I didn't know would rise up in me. And although I didn't realize it fully at the time, I really didn't enjoy being a mom at first because it was so overwhelming and unfamiliar. I only realize it now because I am experiencing joy in parenting now so I am seeing what that looks like and I can see now how it wasn't that way at first. It was almost like an out of body experience or a twilight zone episode. Like my life was so different that I didn't recognize my life or me in it. I remember feeling all kinds of unfamiliar, unexpected feelings. Like being resentful of how needy he was and how little personal space I had. I remember feeling guilty that I felt that way and thinking something was wrong with me. I remember feeling shocked that I didn't always feel like his mom or attached to him. I didn't know that could happen. I felt guilty about that too. It was so much pressure (especially from me) and such a huge jump from single life to wow you have a toddler life. Even though it was a 15 month process - it still kind of felt like I was an instant mom and as much as I prepared, I really didn't feel prepared at all once reality hit. I wasn't feeling very patient at all either. My junk was getting stirred up. Buttons were pushed in me that I didn't know were there. And quite honestly, I felt really awful and depressed about it. I started thinking negative thoughts about myself and thinking those thoughts and feelings meant I was a bad person. I felt alone, like no one would understand.

And then God spoke to me. I know He was trying to all along but I was so wrapped up in negative thinking and being overwhelmed that I didn't hear him. But the more I was honest with my friends and talked to other families, the more I realized I wasn't alone and that a lot of these feelings are ones many adoptive moms have dealt with. I have always been a believer that when we realize we need healing or something is stirred up in us and we have baggage we didn't know was there - that it's an opportunity to deal with it and grow. This is why James 1:2-4 has long been my favorite scripture: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'

In that light, I did a few prayer ministry sessions with a friend from church and God really said some cool things to me in those times. Things like: "I don't condemn you. I love you. Choose joy. Experience joy. I have created you to be a wonderful mother. Keep your focus on me. Find rest in me. I will help you. I will equip you with everything you need." Over the past 2 months, there have been sermons at church, blogs I've read, things I've heard other people say, things that are coming up at work in the study we just started called Counseled by God and all of these things collectively are building on each other and reminding me that I am created in the image of God - therefore I am good. The other stuff - God will walk with me to deal with it. But it's not who I am. Thank you Jesus for that revelation and truth!!!! I also realized I need to be intentional every moment to take my thoughts captive too. And I need to choose love, even when I don't feel it. I think I would have learned this one a bit more had I ever been married. I've heard and I believe that it's true - love is not a feeling - it's a choice. But when you don't have anyone else living in your house with you - you don't have to practice it as much and therefore you don't really really know what the statement REALLY means. I'm seeing what choosing love means now and realizing now more than ever that my responses to my son need to be intentional, patient and loving... even when I don't feel that way at all. This is not easy. But the Lord is helping me.

I'm writing about these things because I believe the very things you don't want people to know are the things the enemy uses when you don't bring them into the light. But when you bring them into the light, God can use them. I have felt like the Lord has said many times since I started this process - that He was going to use me to connect with other single adoptive moms, including those praying about it or in process. I feel a responsibility to be honest because I feel like other single adoptive moms may experience similar feelings and thoughts and without knowing anyone else has been there - they might believe the lies of the enemy telling them they are a bad mom or that they can't do this or that they are a horrible person or whatever negative thing that gets stuck on repeat in our heads. I want you to know, my sisters, that it's not true. That is not who you are. God has a bigger plan for you and you are created in His image. Therefore you are good. He also has given us the holy spirit to live within us and therefore we have access to all His attributes. After all, the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, kindness, patience and self-control. We can't be those things on our own but with Him, we can.

The first 6 months were hard but I am happy to say that joy is more the norm now as I do life with my son. I find myself now feeling overwhelmed with love for him in just normal everyday moments. I find myself coming alive in parenting. I find him coming alive more as I come alive more. I find that we are sillier and laugh more and although he's still a toddler and has plenty of meltdowns or tantrums - I find that I'm becoming more and more patient and less and less overwhelmed in those moments. I find that I can't imagine life without him and when I am at home and he's not there - I miss him. I find myself thanking God over and over for bringing him into my life. I love his little personality and the faces he makes and how he loves to help me around the house and his cute little voice. I've loved those things all along but I finally feel connected & attached to him like I thought I would months ago. Thank you Jesus! It was hard not being there instantly and I didn't expect it so it was really depressing and overwhelming. But I can look back and see God at work and I really, really, really appreciate all the people who have encouraged and walked with me. I don't know how I would do this as a single parent without this amazing group of people around me. I'm not alone. I have the Lord and I have an awesome village of people investing in Mihretu and me. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. God is good. God is faithful. And He wastes nothing. I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all? But He's with me in it and He's equipping me with all I need - moment by moment. I just have to choose life and allow Him in each moment.

I'm so glad we made it through the first 6 months and can move into the next with joy and excitement. It's fitting that it's spring because it really does feel like new life. That excitement that the weather is getting warmer and the sun is shining and all the beauty is in bloom on the trees and flowers and everything is green again. I feel that way. I feel like I was just going through the motions but not thriving. Not really alive. Even though I know God was working all along. There was life underneath but it's finally in full bloom. There is joy and excitement for the days to come. Spring has come. And I welcome it with open arms.

photos by Amber Beckham

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