I went to a benefit dinner for another ministry last night. It was really amazing and I had a great time with my friend and co-worker Rachel who went with me. Another friend watched Mihretu.
I found out when I got home that he cried for an hour at bedtime which seriously made me want to just sit and cry my eyes out. That broke my heart. I had said I lay down with him until he falls asleep but she didn't realize that he has never fallen asleep without me in there. He doesn't fall asleep by himself alone in the room. She stayed in there for a bit but ended up leaving the door open but going out of the room. He finally fell asleep after about an hour and a lot of crying. I just kept hearing "don't let adopted kids cry it out" over and over in my head when she was telling me this. In reality, it's just one night and she truly just didn't realize that we don't do bedtime like that and I'm sure this one night will not traumatize him for life. Next time, she'll know. And the next night, I'll lay with him like we always do. But just knowing my sweet boy cried himself to sleep - man, that makes me emotional. I got ready for bed super lightning fast and then went in there and got him out of bed and brought him in with me. As soon as I picked him up and he halfway woke up - he started crying. I just whispered "Mommy's home. It's ok buddy. You're gonna sleep with mommy." He snuggled up to me like he was holding on for dear life and fell back asleep in seconds and slept like a rock the whole night. My sweet boy.
When he woke up this morning, he kept hugging me and smiling this huge smile like he was so happy I was there. He woke up about 30 minutes before we needed to so that was good cause that allowed some snuggled time before we had to rush and get ready for school.
I talked to him about the night before and told him "I heard you were crying at bedtime buddy. Auntie didn't know that you don't go to sleep in your big boy bed by yourself. I'm sorry you were upset buddy." Then I asked him "Why were you crying buddy?" and sweet boy said "mommy come" and I said "because you wanted mommy to come?" and he said "yes". Break my heart that I wasn't there when he needed mommy. A night out here and there is nice but when it means my sweet boy is upset - not even worth it. I know this was a rare occasion though and my friend who watched him felt bad when I told her he has never fallen asleep alone. Next time she watches him - I know she'll change how she does it. And of course, I'll be sure to stress that detail with any future babysitter from here to kingdom come:) I can't assume everyone would just know that. I'm glad Mihretu and I talked about it this morning. And I'm really glad she told me that he cried like that so I could be extra sensitive to him this morning and give him extra snuggle and us time.
I was just thinking this morning about the overwhelming love I feel for him. And how different these things affect me now than they did at first. It was a neat confirmation at how far I've come in the attachment process. I finally feel like how I thought I would as a mom - connected to his emotions like that. It seems like literally every day, it grows more and more. I had thought it would be instant. It wasn't but it's been a beautiful growing process. And everyday it's deeper and stronger. Perhaps this is how the process is for him too. Not instant in every way but growing over time as he learns to trust me and begins to understand I'm his forever momma. He's never had that before. I've never had a son before. We're growing in this bond together. So thankful for that little man and how God is in this. He's providing, He's guiding, He's working with me on my junk and teaching me new aspects of His ways, He's giving me new revelations of His love for me through the love that I feel for my son. He's an amazing God. He even uses a night of tears to reveal things to us. I think Mihretu and I both appreciated each other a little bit more this morning. God uses everything! Adoption is a beautiful story of redemption and love and healing and a reminder of how God has adopted us as sons and daughters. I'm so thankful to be on this journey with Mihretu. I'm blessed beyond measure to be his momma.