Saturday, December 28, 2013

The most frustrating part about being a parent is ME

Some days, I suck as a mom. I'm trying SO hard y'all to be patient and grace-filled and kind and patient and a non-yeller. But no sooner than I think "Wow, we had a good day yesterday - maybe this is becoming more natural for me" do I lose my cool while trying to cut little man's hair in the kitchen and he won't hold still during the crucial shaping around the edges with the electric thingy and I feel like he's in his own little head bobbing world while I kindly ask him 10 times to hold still so I don't mess up or accidentally cut him. These moments when it's like he doesn't even hear me and I repeat myself too many times - those are the moments when I go from 0 to crazy by time #10 of hearing myself say the same thing. Confession time: I yelled at him. He cried. I felt awful and immediately said I was sorry. He recovered quickly. I finished his hair and got him in the shower so I could have a moment to chill out. Whew.

The most frustrating part about being a parent is ME! My reactions that seem to come out of nowhere. Even when I am trying SO SO SO hard to be nice and patient and calm. I struggle so much with this. I want to overcome it. I need to know how. I read books and blogs and I have hope that it can happen. I have friends who may not always remain patient (who does?) but they don't resort to yelling or losing it with their kids. They seem to have a lot more self control than me.

This is a hard job. And I'm doing the best I can but I want to do better. I want Mihretu to have better than mommy losing my cool and making him cry.

I've always been a huge believer in counseling and even though I really can't afford it financially, I am going to start going soon and just finding a way because clearly my buttons are being pushed. Which means I have a lot of buttons to push. Which means a lot of junk is getting stirred up.

I want to be the best mom I can be. I believe I can. I just have to get there. One day, one moment at a time. Deep breaths. 

4 comments:

  1. I don't believe your friends don't yell at their kids. They just don't talk about it. I struggle with the exact same thing you are describing, and I wonder, guilt-ridden afterwards, why, WHY, I would treat my daughter worse than I would treat anyone else in my entire life. and then I strive to do better, change my anti-depressants just incase there is some kind of rage reaction from them, and continue day to day trying. I'll do well for a week or two and then BAM, lose it again. I do not think your are alone at all. -A friend from FB group...

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  2. You are being so hard on yourself. Which of course is a sign of a good momma. But from an outsider, it seems like maybe even good mommas need time outs too. I hope when he goes to bed at night, you take time to do a little something for yourself. Paint your toes or have a glass of wine or watch your favorite show or whatever your thing is. Just make sure you do something to fill your own bucket to make those times that test you more do-able. From what I can see on this blog, you are doing an awesome job.

    KK @ www.preppypinkcrocodile.com

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  3. Girl, we all yell at our kids. Sometimes out of anger, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes because they simply don't listen. Today I had to yell at Brandon to stop swatting at my booty. He thinks a slap on the butt is funny. It's not. Told him time and again to stop and today I lost my cool and yelled at him. He sulked for a while, but he needed to know that *I* am his mother and I deserve more respect than that. And you know what? We were on the way out to Target and he suddenly became a perfect angel. Almost as if he needed to understand the boundaries. But I know he'll act up again, and I know I'll yell again. But every night as he goes to bed, that child knows how much I love him, no matter what.

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  4. Hi Autumn! I have really enjoyed reading your blog! I am considering adopting from Ethiopia and I was wondering if you would be able to exchange some emails so I could ask you a few questions. If so, my email is justwanttocheckthingsout123@gmail.com

    Thanks!

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