My heart hurts

I'm trying to stay busy so I don't think every second about the fact that my child is on the other side of the world and I've missed almost a whole year with him already since we first met. I'm counting down the days until I see him again (next month) but dreading 4 days later when I have to leave there without him and come home. I'm praying for a miracle - that somehow, someway, I could bring him home when I go. I know it seems impossible and unlikely and yet, I know God can do anything. I believe He can. I hope that He will.

But in the meantime, in this moment, my heart just hurts. I want to go get him and bring him home so he has a forever momma who gives him all the snuggles and attention he needs and wants. Oh my sweet, sensitive, snuggly one - I would come get you right now if I could.

It seems like forever. And yet, I see on my facebook every day other families welcoming home their little ones that they waited so long for. Many of them waited longer than I've been waiting. And I'm sure they had days when it felt like forever too. Most days feel that way. But it finally happened for them. It gives me hope to keep holding on and believing that day will come. Praying it'll come soon. Really, really, soon. And once it does, then we have forever. I'm holding on till forever.

I'm ready for you, little man. Your momma is SO ready!

a new blog

I have 2 blogs. On the other one, I just wrote a blog about being overwhelmed and what the Lord is teaching me in it!

http://autumn-seasonsofautumn.blogspot.com/2012/06/you-should-be-overwhelmed.html

I was just reflecting on my post and what I wrote and what I feel like God is teaching me. I am fully aware that if I feel overwhelmed now, I won't probably really understanding what truly overwhelmed feels like until I bring home my sweet boy who has been through so much and begin the process of attachment and the road to healing his precious heart. I read all these books about kids from hard places and I find my heart often aching over what my sweet, young, innocent little boy has already been through in his young life. I want to get him home to begin that process of healing so badly so that his little heart doesn't have to go through any more transition or instability or pain. Obviously it's not like coming home is going to mean he never has any pain or hard times again but it's almost unbearable to me to think of the situation he's in now.  So when you hear me say "I can't wait till he's home" please understand that I'm not saying it because I'm naive enough to think it's going to be some big magically happily-ever-after fairytale when he's home. I know that it's not. I know that it's going to be hard, exhausting and every day will present new challenges and when I say I'm overwhelmed now, I realize I have no idea. I read enough blogs, books and talk to enough adoptive parents to know that I really don't fully know what is ahead or what I'm signing up for. What I do know? Much in life that is worth anything isn't easy. Again with that scripture about to him who much is given, much is required. God is giving me a precious son - a child of his to care for. Heck yes much is required. It should be!!! And besides God isn't interested in what's easy on us, He's interested in growing us and shaping us more and more into the likeness of His son. So I'm knowingly signing on for pain, hard times and brokenness (my own) because I believe I'm called to this and I believe there's a little boy who is worth the time and the energy, as hard as it may be, to have a momma who is willing to invest in him and strap in for the road to healing and wholeness, no matter how bumpy that road might be. So much is unknown about the specifics of what he'll need or the struggles he'll have and the impatient side of me just wants to get him here so we can begin figuring all that out. But I also recognize the transforming God is already doing in me as I wait and how that transforming is preparing me more and more for this journey as his mom. I hate waiting, I really do. But I also see beauty in how God wastes nothing, including this time. I'm all about learning all that I can. If it makes me a better mom, sign me up!  

On that note, I'll end with my all-time favorite scripture.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4 (NIV)