Saturday, April 7, 2012

A sense of urgency

It's been 8 months now since I started this adoption process. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt like it was taking forever or had fears that it might never happen. If I'm being honest here, my biggest fear is that I'll get a phone call telling me that I can't adopt HIM specifically. Believe me, I know that's happened to other people and it is a possibility but I cannot even fathom it. And I pray that doesn't happen and I just have to trust God that He will work all things together for good no matter what. I'm hoping, believing, praying that "M" is my son. I feel like he already is in my heart even though it seems like literally ages ago that I kissed his cheeks or held him in my arms.

I dreamed about him last night. That I was in Ethiopia leading a mission team and about to head home and I couldn't leave the country without seeing him so it was like some dramatic movie where I busted free at the last moment to run to where he was. And when I got there, you know how dreams are, I couldn't find him at first. There were all these kids and we were outside and I was yelling his name and running to each group of kids to see if he was there. Finally a child heard me calling his name and told me he'd take me to him. And there he was. He didn't really understand what was happening but the older boy who took me to him did and then the dream turned into this older boy telling me that he had a mommy who was going to come for him but then she didn't. And in the dream, I just knew it wasn't her choice - something had happened that kept her from adopting him and so I spent the rest of the dream letting this older boy know that he didn't do anything wrong and that I knew for a fact that she wanted to be his mommy but someone stopped her. I was so concerned with making sure he knew that he was loved and wanted. And I told him that same thing could still, even now, happen to me. Until it's official, something could change. But as much as that's a very real possibility and fear in real life - there's a God that's bigger - a God that can move mountains.
I decided today to pray with a sense of urgency. I've been feeling numb and going through the motions of answering all the questions every time I run into anyone I know "how's the adoption coming?" and for the 100th time answering "slowly". Some days it's just more real, more emotional, more urgent. Today is one of those days.
In the bible, God's people prayed until... Until their prayer was answered. They didn't just pray a few times and then stop because "hey, God already knows my prayer - we're good to go". No they kept on praying. And that's what I need to do. Some days I feel like I don't know what else to say or how to pray but I need to remember there IS a sense of urgency. I'm missing every moment of every day right now with a sweet little boy doesn't even really know someone's fighting for him. A little boy who is skeptical at first but warms up and loves to snuggle. And while he is being loved on by various caregivers who I could tell are very sweet to him - it's not the same as a mom to tuck you in at night or be your constant forever. Oh little "M", how I wish I could come for you right now and scoop you up into my arms and kiss your sweet forehead and tell you I've got you... forever. That day can't come soon enough. So there is a sense of urgency.
I'm praying you home little man. Our God can do big things. He raised Jesus from the dead and He can certainly move mountains to bring a little boy home to his momma.
I hope and pray this is my last Easter without you here.

Lord - move mountains. Please bring my son home. I just wanna love him. I already do.


4 comments:

  1. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

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  2. Your dream just broke my heart! Praying for you!

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  3. Always praying for you and your sweet boy. Always.

    And always hear if you need to talk. Always.

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