I'm Over It

The mourning process that I wrote about in a recent post on my other blog (autumn-seasonsofautumn.blogspot.com) where when you start to consider adopting on your own as a single, without a spouse, there’s a mourning process of letting go of the order you thought things would happen. I landed on US ground Wed morning after leading a Visiting Orphans team to Uganda and Ethiopia and things just didn’t seem so blurry or confusing anymore. There’s a little boy who I met and held and loved on. He’s not “the idea of a little boy out there somewhere”. He’s a real little boy that I met. That changes things. That makes me more focused on him and wanting him to have a family than it does on me and not having a husband. I felt a surprising sense of urgency to not delay on finding out more. On Thursday morning, I called the adoption agency his orphanage works with. The information was not promising honestly but instead of feeling discouraged, I feel hopeful and believe with all my heart if it’s meant to be - God will open the doors. The lady basically told me that to adopt a specific child like that - you have to have had a home study to even talk about a specific kid. Secondly, she’s not even sure he has paperwork yet and even if he did - there are families waiting for a referral who would be ahead of me. After all that, she said that if I really felt strongly about adopting - I should start my home study asap and give her a call in early Sept and inquire again. If nothing else, my home study would be good for any African country and I could pursue another country. She said if my paperwork and his were ready at the same time - MAYBE. And maybe is a lot more promising than NO. I know that there’s a very real chance I won’t be able to adopt him specifically. But I still feel compelled to try. And I feel really strongly about adopting from Africa. And as I proceed, I’m doing so knowing that God knows the plan - He sees the full picture and if this isn’t the child He has for me and if I’m not the mom he has for that sweet little boy - perhaps He’s just using this to move me forward in this process and get me unstuck from the deciding if I’m ready stage. In a weird way, it’s kind of like losing my job 2 years ago - you don’t know where you’ll end up but I just knew God would use it and it would all work out one way or another. And I wasn’t pretending I had any clue what that would look like - I just had faith that He had a plan and when it was time - He’d show me what it was. And wala - I landed in my dream job (only a God thing!!!) and I am incredibly thankful. He also provided in really awesome ways the entire time I was unemployed. All Glory to Him because none of it was me nor could I pretend to take credit for it. He is an amazing God. So now that I’m here at this stage - it’s like when I lost my job - I’m filled with faith and I’m not scared. I just feel strongly that I’m supposed to proceed and see where He takes me on this journey toward being a mom. He knows who my child is. He also loves that little boy even more than I do. So while I hope and I pray that I get to be his momma - I trust that God is His father and will take care of that little guy. I can try, I can pray and I can do my part - but ultimately the outcome is in God’s hands. And honestly, that’s the only place I want it to be because His ways are better than my ways. Do I have a bunch of money saved in a bank account to get started? Nope. But I know my God is a God who provides. And I just need to step out in faith and trust Him to help me find creative ways to fundraise! I think the testimony at the end of all this will be that much more glorifying to God because I won’t be able to take any credit for any of it because I’m relying solely on Him. That’s exciting to me! In the meantime, I need your prayers! I doubt it will be easy - but I believe it will be worth it. God’s not interested in what’s easy on us - He’s interested in our character and transforming us into the likeness of Christ. I’m over the fact that I’m not married. I finally realize God didn’t miss me when he was handing out husbands:) He didn’t forget about me. But He did give me a love of kids and a heart for adopting and the desire to be a mom. So I’m done second guessing it. I’m done wishing it was the order I thought it would be. God’s plan for my life is the right plan for my life. I just need to stop trying to make up my own plan:) I’m over it and I’m ready to take the next step... in faith.