My heart hurts

I'm trying to stay busy so I don't think every second about the fact that my child is on the other side of the world and I've missed almost a whole year with him already since we first met. I'm counting down the days until I see him again (next month) but dreading 4 days later when I have to leave there without him and come home. I'm praying for a miracle - that somehow, someway, I could bring him home when I go. I know it seems impossible and unlikely and yet, I know God can do anything. I believe He can. I hope that He will.

But in the meantime, in this moment, my heart just hurts. I want to go get him and bring him home so he has a forever momma who gives him all the snuggles and attention he needs and wants. Oh my sweet, sensitive, snuggly one - I would come get you right now if I could.

It seems like forever. And yet, I see on my facebook every day other families welcoming home their little ones that they waited so long for. Many of them waited longer than I've been waiting. And I'm sure they had days when it felt like forever too. Most days feel that way. But it finally happened for them. It gives me hope to keep holding on and believing that day will come. Praying it'll come soon. Really, really, soon. And once it does, then we have forever. I'm holding on till forever.

I'm ready for you, little man. Your momma is SO ready!

a new blog

I have 2 blogs. On the other one, I just wrote a blog about being overwhelmed and what the Lord is teaching me in it!

http://autumn-seasonsofautumn.blogspot.com/2012/06/you-should-be-overwhelmed.html

I was just reflecting on my post and what I wrote and what I feel like God is teaching me. I am fully aware that if I feel overwhelmed now, I won't probably really understanding what truly overwhelmed feels like until I bring home my sweet boy who has been through so much and begin the process of attachment and the road to healing his precious heart. I read all these books about kids from hard places and I find my heart often aching over what my sweet, young, innocent little boy has already been through in his young life. I want to get him home to begin that process of healing so badly so that his little heart doesn't have to go through any more transition or instability or pain. Obviously it's not like coming home is going to mean he never has any pain or hard times again but it's almost unbearable to me to think of the situation he's in now.  So when you hear me say "I can't wait till he's home" please understand that I'm not saying it because I'm naive enough to think it's going to be some big magically happily-ever-after fairytale when he's home. I know that it's not. I know that it's going to be hard, exhausting and every day will present new challenges and when I say I'm overwhelmed now, I realize I have no idea. I read enough blogs, books and talk to enough adoptive parents to know that I really don't fully know what is ahead or what I'm signing up for. What I do know? Much in life that is worth anything isn't easy. Again with that scripture about to him who much is given, much is required. God is giving me a precious son - a child of his to care for. Heck yes much is required. It should be!!! And besides God isn't interested in what's easy on us, He's interested in growing us and shaping us more and more into the likeness of His son. So I'm knowingly signing on for pain, hard times and brokenness (my own) because I believe I'm called to this and I believe there's a little boy who is worth the time and the energy, as hard as it may be, to have a momma who is willing to invest in him and strap in for the road to healing and wholeness, no matter how bumpy that road might be. So much is unknown about the specifics of what he'll need or the struggles he'll have and the impatient side of me just wants to get him here so we can begin figuring all that out. But I also recognize the transforming God is already doing in me as I wait and how that transforming is preparing me more and more for this journey as his mom. I hate waiting, I really do. But I also see beauty in how God wastes nothing, including this time. I'm all about learning all that I can. If it makes me a better mom, sign me up!  

On that note, I'll end with my all-time favorite scripture.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Until We're No Longer Apart

Having a hard day today. Nobody ever said adoption was easy and it's certainly not for the faint of heart. But there are precious children who are so worth it all and so we hold on.

I'm trying to get to you
I can't get there fast enough
I'm trying to get to you
I wish you could feel my love

I'm trying to do all I can do
but there are mountains in the way
mountains that only God can move
Hold on little boy
your momma is coming as soon as she can
and the Father, He has you
and your name is written on the palm of His hand

Oh how loved you are
do you even know?
by the God of the Universe
and the momma who can't wait to bring you home

Hold on little man
I'm trying to get to you
I will do all that I can
and I know Jesus will too

It's hard for me to wait
I know it's hard for you too
But I'm believing for miracles
and it's faith that gets me through

I'm trying to get to you
I'm ready to bring you home
Please stay strong
And know you're not alone
I may be far away
but you're right here in my heart
And I'll keep trying to get to you
Until we're no longer apart.


Love you little man! 
~Mommy

Mother's Day is Hard

It's a hard day for a lot of people.
Those who lost their moms, some of them who've lost a mom just this year.
Those who so deeply desire to be moms but haven't been able to either because it just hasn't happened yet, or infertility, adoptions that have fallen through or are a taking very, very long time, those who have husbands that don't want children or those waiting for a husband first.
Those who didn't have a mom growing up or had one but she was abusive or neglectful.
Those in hard circumstances who made the brave decision to give birth and make an adoption plan for their child.
Those who have lost children both before they were born or after - who mourn the loss all over again every year at this time.

All of these things and probably many, many more that I didn't list are reasons why Mother's Day can be sad instead of joyful for a lot of woman around the world. This morning at church, several people came over and said Happy Mother's Day to me. It meant a lot to me to be acknowledge as a mom, even though my child is not here yet or legally my child. It meant a lot to me that others recognized that it might be a hard day for me and for others. It meant a lot to me that my church prayed and acknowledged that it can be hard and that this year they didn't ask the moms to stand up. I was dreading the moment that they might do that - not wanting to stand but yet wanting to. Knowing I'm not officially, legally a mom yet but also knowing that I am a mom fighting for her child now and for the past 9+ months. So thankful they didn't ask the moms to stand up. So thankful they prayed and acknowledged all the hurt in the room. I know I wasn't the only one who was having a hard day.

In the midst of all that - in sorrow, there's also gladness for today I recognize and honor my mom and so many others who have been like mothers to me. There are many, over the years - family, friends families, and mentors. I have truly been blessed by some seriously amazing woman. And though some of them are not moms "officially" or "legally" - they have served in a mother figure role to me. So I think in a way, we're all moms to someone. Whether you're a mom because you babysit once in awhile and look after someone else's kids or teach Sunday school for an hour a few times a month, or take a moment to be in a mothering role to a friend going through a hard time - it all matters. It all looks similar to the mom role. So to all of the woman out there - Happy Mother's Day. You don't have to have children to mother others. Never underestimate the power of the love of a dear sister who jumps in and takes on a mothering role, even if just for a moment in time. These are the moments that change lives. These are the women God uses. And I'm honored to be among so many of them.

There is joy in the midst of sadness. There are amazing women in our midst. Many who don't even realize how truly amazing they are. Many who had a hard day today. If you're reading this and you're one of them - just know that it's ok to be sad - take your sorrows to Jesus' - he hears your cries and loves you. You are a daughter of the Most High King! He knows the desires of our heart and he longs to give good things to His children. Cast your cares on Him. And remember how deeply you are loved.

Happy Mother's Day.

For this child I prayed

The tree in my son's room is almost finished. Names have been added to the leaves and the only thing left is to add any new names between now and the time I get him home. I also need to add something above the painting. Was originally going to have it say "Love Brought Me Home" but am not sure if that will still be the case. Was thinking instead of having it be the scripture from 1 Samuel that says "for this child I prayed". Working on his room has given me something to do to pass the long months of waiting. I can't control the waiting but it at least makes me feel like I'm working toward getting him home when I can work on his room and this painting. 

On Easter, my small group with 2 couples and their combined 6 kids were at my house. The photo below is all the kiddos playing in my little guys room. I'd say it passed the kid friendly test:) 

Can't wait till he's really here. 

Fasting & Prayer

I've been fasting and praying but it's been almost 9 months and no movement on my little guys paperwork. My paperwork is done and I've raised about half of the money needed and all of the money that has been due thus far has been paid. Once his paperwork is done, THEN I will get the official referral on him and it's an estimated 6 month time after that. Around 3 months or so before a court date when I travel to Ethiopia and get to see him. Then once you pass court, you return home and wait around another 3 months - give or take - for your embassy date when I can finally go get him and bring him home. Adoption is a long process to say the least. So as you can imagine, I'm really praying for this paperwork to be done and referral to come so we can start moving forward again toward that Gotcha Day. 4 of my coworkers have seen him over the past 7 months which has been so good to get updates and pictures and that he's being loved on - he's getting so big and it seems like forever since I last saw him. It'll be 9 months ago exactly on Monday since the day I met him. I've been fasting and praying but a friend just gave me the idea to see if others would set aside a day to join me in fasting and praying for my adoption. So this is my invitation to anyone who would be willing to do just that! It would be a huge blessing as I know God hears our prayers. He alone can move mountains to bring this little guy home!





The details for those who can join me:

What: Fast and pray

When: Monday, April 23rd - exactly 9 months from the day I first met that sweet little boy that melted in my arms and made himself at home in my heart.

How long: From sun up till dinner time - fast from food (or a partial fast of some sort if you have health restrictions) until dinner time that evening.
Specific things to pray: for breakthrough and movement in the paperwork process, that God would move mountains to get this little boy home, for favor with the courts and all parties involved throughout this whole process, for his health and protection, for me as I wait and prepare to be a mom and for continued provision.


Thank you so much!

With much love,
Autumn




Facebook Event I created for this; https://www.facebook.com/events/438711449478396/

A sense of urgency

It's been 8 months now since I started this adoption process. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt like it was taking forever or had fears that it might never happen. If I'm being honest here, my biggest fear is that I'll get a phone call telling me that I can't adopt HIM specifically. Believe me, I know that's happened to other people and it is a possibility but I cannot even fathom it. And I pray that doesn't happen and I just have to trust God that He will work all things together for good no matter what. I'm hoping, believing, praying that "M" is my son. I feel like he already is in my heart even though it seems like literally ages ago that I kissed his cheeks or held him in my arms.

I dreamed about him last night. That I was in Ethiopia leading a mission team and about to head home and I couldn't leave the country without seeing him so it was like some dramatic movie where I busted free at the last moment to run to where he was. And when I got there, you know how dreams are, I couldn't find him at first. There were all these kids and we were outside and I was yelling his name and running to each group of kids to see if he was there. Finally a child heard me calling his name and told me he'd take me to him. And there he was. He didn't really understand what was happening but the older boy who took me to him did and then the dream turned into this older boy telling me that he had a mommy who was going to come for him but then she didn't. And in the dream, I just knew it wasn't her choice - something had happened that kept her from adopting him and so I spent the rest of the dream letting this older boy know that he didn't do anything wrong and that I knew for a fact that she wanted to be his mommy but someone stopped her. I was so concerned with making sure he knew that he was loved and wanted. And I told him that same thing could still, even now, happen to me. Until it's official, something could change. But as much as that's a very real possibility and fear in real life - there's a God that's bigger - a God that can move mountains.
I decided today to pray with a sense of urgency. I've been feeling numb and going through the motions of answering all the questions every time I run into anyone I know "how's the adoption coming?" and for the 100th time answering "slowly". Some days it's just more real, more emotional, more urgent. Today is one of those days.
In the bible, God's people prayed until... Until their prayer was answered. They didn't just pray a few times and then stop because "hey, God already knows my prayer - we're good to go". No they kept on praying. And that's what I need to do. Some days I feel like I don't know what else to say or how to pray but I need to remember there IS a sense of urgency. I'm missing every moment of every day right now with a sweet little boy doesn't even really know someone's fighting for him. A little boy who is skeptical at first but warms up and loves to snuggle. And while he is being loved on by various caregivers who I could tell are very sweet to him - it's not the same as a mom to tuck you in at night or be your constant forever. Oh little "M", how I wish I could come for you right now and scoop you up into my arms and kiss your sweet forehead and tell you I've got you... forever. That day can't come soon enough. So there is a sense of urgency.
I'm praying you home little man. Our God can do big things. He raised Jesus from the dead and He can certainly move mountains to bring a little boy home to his momma.
I hope and pray this is my last Easter without you here.

Lord - move mountains. Please bring my son home. I just wanna love him. I already do.