6 months and spring has come

Mihretu had his first sleepover last weekend with my friend and her family. I cried a little bit when Rachel's van pulled away with him in it. I was excited to have some me time and to see how the overnight went but was also just realizing how much of a big boy he already is and how far we've come in this journey together. It's crazy to think about how many years biological families would have had up to this point of a first sleepover for a 4 year old. It's been just 6 months for us since he came home - he's already 4, he already had a sleepover. What a whirlwind. I missed him like crazy and the house felt strange and quiet. The dog was confused and kept looking for him. I had almost like a flashback to life before him and the cool thing is - it didn't feel right. I would not want to go back. I don't want a quiet house. I missed my little man and his questions and hugs and silliness. It's nice to have moments like that to step away so you can really see how blessed you are.

It's been 6 months since we became a family. It's been hard and I've had to wrestle with issues I didn't know would rise up in me. And although I didn't realize it fully at the time, I really didn't enjoy being a mom at first because it was so overwhelming and unfamiliar. I only realize it now because I am experiencing joy in parenting now so I am seeing what that looks like and I can see now how it wasn't that way at first. It was almost like an out of body experience or a twilight zone episode. Like my life was so different that I didn't recognize my life or me in it. I remember feeling all kinds of unfamiliar, unexpected feelings. Like being resentful of how needy he was and how little personal space I had. I remember feeling guilty that I felt that way and thinking something was wrong with me. I remember feeling shocked that I didn't always feel like his mom or attached to him. I didn't know that could happen. I felt guilty about that too. It was so much pressure (especially from me) and such a huge jump from single life to wow you have a toddler life. Even though it was a 15 month process - it still kind of felt like I was an instant mom and as much as I prepared, I really didn't feel prepared at all once reality hit. I wasn't feeling very patient at all either. My junk was getting stirred up. Buttons were pushed in me that I didn't know were there. And quite honestly, I felt really awful and depressed about it. I started thinking negative thoughts about myself and thinking those thoughts and feelings meant I was a bad person. I felt alone, like no one would understand.

And then God spoke to me. I know He was trying to all along but I was so wrapped up in negative thinking and being overwhelmed that I didn't hear him. But the more I was honest with my friends and talked to other families, the more I realized I wasn't alone and that a lot of these feelings are ones many adoptive moms have dealt with. I have always been a believer that when we realize we need healing or something is stirred up in us and we have baggage we didn't know was there - that it's an opportunity to deal with it and grow. This is why James 1:2-4 has long been my favorite scripture: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'

In that light, I did a few prayer ministry sessions with a friend from church and God really said some cool things to me in those times. Things like: "I don't condemn you. I love you. Choose joy. Experience joy. I have created you to be a wonderful mother. Keep your focus on me. Find rest in me. I will help you. I will equip you with everything you need." Over the past 2 months, there have been sermons at church, blogs I've read, things I've heard other people say, things that are coming up at work in the study we just started called Counseled by God and all of these things collectively are building on each other and reminding me that I am created in the image of God - therefore I am good. The other stuff - God will walk with me to deal with it. But it's not who I am. Thank you Jesus for that revelation and truth!!!! I also realized I need to be intentional every moment to take my thoughts captive too. And I need to choose love, even when I don't feel it. I think I would have learned this one a bit more had I ever been married. I've heard and I believe that it's true - love is not a feeling - it's a choice. But when you don't have anyone else living in your house with you - you don't have to practice it as much and therefore you don't really really know what the statement REALLY means. I'm seeing what choosing love means now and realizing now more than ever that my responses to my son need to be intentional, patient and loving... even when I don't feel that way at all. This is not easy. But the Lord is helping me.

I'm writing about these things because I believe the very things you don't want people to know are the things the enemy uses when you don't bring them into the light. But when you bring them into the light, God can use them. I have felt like the Lord has said many times since I started this process - that He was going to use me to connect with other single adoptive moms, including those praying about it or in process. I feel a responsibility to be honest because I feel like other single adoptive moms may experience similar feelings and thoughts and without knowing anyone else has been there - they might believe the lies of the enemy telling them they are a bad mom or that they can't do this or that they are a horrible person or whatever negative thing that gets stuck on repeat in our heads. I want you to know, my sisters, that it's not true. That is not who you are. God has a bigger plan for you and you are created in His image. Therefore you are good. He also has given us the holy spirit to live within us and therefore we have access to all His attributes. After all, the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, kindness, patience and self-control. We can't be those things on our own but with Him, we can.

The first 6 months were hard but I am happy to say that joy is more the norm now as I do life with my son. I find myself now feeling overwhelmed with love for him in just normal everyday moments. I find myself coming alive in parenting. I find him coming alive more as I come alive more. I find that we are sillier and laugh more and although he's still a toddler and has plenty of meltdowns or tantrums - I find that I'm becoming more and more patient and less and less overwhelmed in those moments. I find that I can't imagine life without him and when I am at home and he's not there - I miss him. I find myself thanking God over and over for bringing him into my life. I love his little personality and the faces he makes and how he loves to help me around the house and his cute little voice. I've loved those things all along but I finally feel connected & attached to him like I thought I would months ago. Thank you Jesus! It was hard not being there instantly and I didn't expect it so it was really depressing and overwhelming. But I can look back and see God at work and I really, really, really appreciate all the people who have encouraged and walked with me. I don't know how I would do this as a single parent without this amazing group of people around me. I'm not alone. I have the Lord and I have an awesome village of people investing in Mihretu and me. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. God is good. God is faithful. And He wastes nothing. I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all? But He's with me in it and He's equipping me with all I need - moment by moment. I just have to choose life and allow Him in each moment.

I'm so glad we made it through the first 6 months and can move into the next with joy and excitement. It's fitting that it's spring because it really does feel like new life. That excitement that the weather is getting warmer and the sun is shining and all the beauty is in bloom on the trees and flowers and everything is green again. I feel that way. I feel like I was just going through the motions but not thriving. Not really alive. Even though I know God was working all along. There was life underneath but it's finally in full bloom. There is joy and excitement for the days to come. Spring has come. And I welcome it with open arms.

photos by Amber Beckham

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Birthday Pictures

And because I hate posting about the struggles of parenthood without immediately following up with the joys of it... here are a few of the first pictures I'm seeing from last weekend when we celebrated Mihretu's 4th birthday. The amazingly talented Amber Beckham came and took photos. I can't wait to see the rest - I absolutely love these first few.

It's not really about turning off the DVD player

Adoption is hard. From the outside, it looks all cozy and perfect and happy. Within our home, it's frustration and tantrums and the need to control... every... single... thing. A 15 minute meltdown that included throwing himself on the floor the other night was all a result of me turning off the DVD player when apparently he wanted to do it. The hardest part about that is that it's not consistent. Sometimes he wants me to do it, sometimes he doesn't care who does it but if it's a moment when he has decided he wants to do it and mommy didn't read his mind and figure that out - it's like the world just ended. Sometimes we literally turn it back on and let him shut it off. Sometimes when he wants to shut the door instead of me - we open it back up and re-shut it just to avoid a "situation". What I struggled with is - should I always turn it back on and let him turn it back off or does he somehow need to learn to let it go. In that moment with the DVD player the other night, I decided to try to teach him about letting go while trying my best to be calm and explain it. Here's me trying to reason with a kid freaking out saying "Mommy didn't upset you on purpose. Mommy didn't know you wanted to turn it off. It's already been done buddy - please just let it go and move on. It's ok. I promise, it's going to be ok." Honestly, he didn't hear one word I said because he was screaming and throwing himself around and mad at me. With him specifically - the meltdowns do no get resolved by me trying to talk him through it. I have a hard time with it because I seriously have a physical stress reaction anytime he cries or whines or throws a fit. This urge to fix it immediately overcomes me. So what I'm learning is that I too need to let it go and realize it's not the end of the world and it really will be ok. Letting him cry for a second is not going to traumatize him for life. I need to remember that. So what I have to make myself do when he's just not going to let it go - is do the dishes or go to the bathroom or just focus on something for a minute. He sees that I haven't left and I'm still here but he also sees that he's not getting my full attention when he acts like that. Even in that and even as I write this - I wonder what the adoption experts would say about it. It's a thought that pops in my head like a million times a day and is quite frankly a stressful amount of pressure to try and figure out what they would say and whether what I'm doing is a good idea or not. But when I do this technique after I've tried talking to him calmly and he still won't calm down - it works. He really does self regulate within a few minutes and then he acts like nothing ever happened and I go along with it and immediately refocus on him and some other activity. And we go on about our day or evening or whatever and he's fine, totally fine.
Everyday is a learning curve. A lot of days, I feel like I fail miserably. I get so frustrated that I yell and then have to apologize to him. What the heck - I'm not a yeller! At least I haven't been for ages. Oh I did not realize how a child could push buttons that haven't been pushed since I shared a bedroom with my 2 brothers all through high school and they used to tease me and get in my face and not give me any personal space at all and I just felt like I was helpless and totally trapped. A lot of those same feelings have been stirred up in parenting. I had no idea they were even still there. It's frustrating to me that responses I haven't had in like almost 20 years are what surface as my first response in parenting. That totally sucks. I spend just as much time trying to get my own emotions under control as I do trying to figure out what to do with his. I write this to say - if you're not a parent yet and you're considering becoming one by adoption or otherwise, don't be surprised if your past junk gets stirred up. I had heard that to some extent but I didn't think that would be me because like I said - I hadn't had those feelings and frustrations in like 20 years so I had all but forgotten about them. Now I'm doing all I can think to do to reprogram myself and be intentional in every single moment so that I respond the way I should and not the way that apparently comes natural to me.
The best thing I know to do is to stay positive - focus on the victories and the sweet moments and how even though it's hard, it could be so much harder. Even though there are a whole slew of attachment adoption related issues - they could be more extreme. He's doing so great when you consider where he's come from. He's doing better than I thought he would be. The hard part for me has been that I'm doing worse than I thought I would. Releasing the guilt of that and just giving myself grace is the journey I'm on. I thought I would be working 100% on doing things to help him attach to me. I didn't even think I'd have to think about me attaching to him. That hadn't occurred to me. But it's a reality and the enemy would love to steal, kill and destroy me with guilt of that fact. But the more I talk about it and be honest with others, the more I realize it's a common struggle and reality for many in adoption. I AM attaching to him but it wasn't instant or 100% of the time like I expected. Just like I'm quite sure it's not for him attaching to me. I just didn't know. And I have to say to myself every day "It's a new day - His mercies are new everyday!" If I get hung up on what I thought I'd feel like vs what is reality or on the fact that I yelled at him or reacted badly - then I get stuck there and end up sad and condemned and depressed. I honestly got stuck there for a little while at first. But what I feel like God has been saying to me (and maybe He is saying it to you too) is this: "Let me help you. You are not in this alone. You're not perfect and that's ok. I'm teaching you and refining you. I know what Mihretu needs. I will be His father. I will help you parent him. Stop trying to do this in your own strength or putting expectations on yourself. I am with you. I will not forsake you. And I do not condemn you. I want you to experience joy and life to the full. Hold on to me." I don't know if that will encourage anyone else who reads this but it encourages me. And that encouragement is what I hold onto especially on days when the DVD player getting turned off causes a major meltdown.

Patience

I think little man was a little overtired tonight. He was in a great mood and we've had a great week and I decided we'd go out for mexican food. We're running low on groceries and we had gotten to go for a walk with the dog after work/school and enjoy the gorgeous weather - why not have a mommy and Mihretu dinner date tonight too. Sounded super fun. We'd never been to a mexican restaurant together before and Mihretu just goes with the flow. He walked in like we'd been there 20 times and was up for the new adventure, being super cute and silly at the table. He loved the chips and cheese dip and ate most of the rice. Not crazy about the quesadilla or beans though. About 1/2 way through the meal, the meltdowns started. I think he played hard outside at school today cause he was suddenly acting over-tired and melting down at any little thing. Things like his napkin getting dirty after wiping his hands with it or him throwing his spoon on the floor on purpose and being upset that he didn't have a new one in 30 seconds, getting a tiny drip of cheese on his finger, and all sorts of other things like that. He was so frustrated and tired and whiny and mad and he looked at me with this "I'll show you" look and stuck his entire hand in his pile of rice and started kneeding it and smooshing it and getting his hands all dirty and making a big old mess which also got him upset after the fact cause he was then upset about his hands being messy. I told him we don't do that and moved his plate away. Then he started crying about that. It was all I could do to get the bill and get out of there. It started out really fun. In the future, I think I'll steer clear of trying to eat out on a weeknight, especially after a nice day when he got to play a lot outside at school.

Once we got home, it was 7:30 so we let the dog out, gave her a treat and then started the bedtime routine. He used to go to bed at 7 pm when I first brought him home. Not anymore. Now it's a miracle if he's asleep by 9, even when we start the whole routine at 7:30 or 8. Tonight, it was 9:30 before he was asleep. He's getting too big to be able to get comfy on my lap on the rocking chair so it's a long process of him falling asleep - he keeps readjusting to get comfy, getting off the chair and into the bed and back again - tonight was at least 15 times. He decided he had to go potty 30 minutes into it. He wanted a drink of water. He wanted to sing songs. He wanted to try anything he could think of to stall. He was so tired, you could tell. He was rubbing his eyes and yawning and whining at every little thing and yet he could not get to sleep. Oh my gosh - it's all I can do is just try to get through that hour and 10 minutes without pulling my hair out. I'm tired and after sitting there that long in the dark, I'm about asleep. Sometimes I am asleep by that point - while sitting in the chair and head bobbing:)

I know this is all normal parent stuff. I've babysat enough to know that. I just find myself having to really work on patience in these moments that last an hour. I had no idea how frustrating it could be. I don't even know why it's so frustrating. Maybe it's because I'm tired and I worked all day and I am just ready for some alone time. Maybe it's because I'm still new at this. Maybe it's just simply because I'm not that patient and I need to work on that:) When I babysat - it wasn't that frustrating cause it was only once in awhile and not every single night and I didn't really think much of it. Real life, every single night with no spouse to take a turn - bedtime routine isn't quite the magical adventure I had pictured. Adoption or not, single parenting or not, bedtime or some other scenario - I'm sure all parents know the feeling. I just know I want to be less frustrated and more patient and not feel like I'm going to pull my hair out when bedtime takes that long. In hindsight, I know it's small stuff so I'm trying to just not have expectations. And yet I do. Like this one:
We're bringing home the twin bed next week and I'm hoping and praying it cuts some time off of the long road to falling asleep. On weekends when we nap - I just have him lay down in my bed with me. He falls asleep so fast - like sometimes within 5 minutes. Maybe I'm foolishly hopeful but I'm so praying that with the twin bed - I can just lay down with him and the whole process will be a whole lot faster and therefore less frustrating. And if I happen to fall asleep, oh well - at least I'm laying down and not bobbing my head in the rocking chair. And if he can get comfy faster and not be getting up and down every 5 minutes - that would be awesome! Praying it works. Counting down the days until next week. ha ha

In all seriousness though - I feel pretty blessed to think that our little bedtime scenario is the biggest frustration I have to write about at this point. We've come along way since those first days home and the scratching, biting, spitting on and hitting mommy phase. Big or small, whatever the frustration  - I just want to be more patient. Working on that. Daily. 

Celebrating 4's and Reflecting

We just celebrated our 4 month Gotcha Day anniversary last week and we're about to celebrate Mihretu's 4th birthday later this month.

 For our Gotcha Day anniversary, we went out for Ethiopian food. He loved it. A little spicy and both our tongues were in need of some relief but it was super fun and yummy. I went to show him how to scoop up the food with the injera and he gave me this funny look and said "no mommy" and then he grabbed the injera and went to it like a pro. He knows how to do it! ha ha Everytime I say Africa or Ethiopia - he says "mommy -  my africa?" So cute!!!!

For his birthday, I'm making him the book I've been wanting to make since I brought him home. It's the "story of you" book. I get to work about an hour early each day after dropping him off at school so I've been using this hour each day to work on it. I got a Living Social deal for a book on Shutterfly so I'm using that. Pretty sure my total cost is going to exceed the amount of pages included in the deal though:) Man, these books take forever to make. Probably because I want it to be perfect. So far, it's 24 pages and we've only just gotten to gotcha day. I love that I can literally type out a story mixed with all the pictures. It'll be so neat to be able to read it every night before bed with him. I'm so thankful for the info I have about his birth family too. That is seriously a huge blessing that many families are not able to get. I won't share his story with the world because it's his story and I want to protect it - but I am so thankful to be able to have the info that I do. Now, if I could just somehow track down some baby pictures of him:)

As I look back and put together this book, I'm reflecting on this journey and how far we've come. Some days I just look at him and think to myself "I can't believe this is the same little boy I fell in love with in an orphanage in Ethiopia and now he's really here and I get to be his momma!" It's so surreal sometimes. Pre-identified adoptions are hard and you go in knowing that it might not work out and you might not really be able to adopt that specific child. So I had to go in knowing that and yet having hope that it was possible and stepping out in faith knowing that he was worth taking that chance. I'm so glad I did.

Mihretu is literally the coolest kid ever!!! He's got such a great personality. He's super animated and funny and although he can surely throw a big ole tantrum, overall he is a really, really happy kid who loves life and brings so much joy to everyone around him. He gets all the little girls and teachers at school laughing at the faces he makes. He melts all his aunties with his big ole hugs. And he turns mommy to a big ball of mush when he says, out of the blue, "mommy, I love boo(you)". Be still my heart. He's super thoughtful and helpful. One of his favorite things is to help. If he feels like he's helping, he gets this confident smile on his face like he's so proud of himself. He has such a servant heart. And that's really neat to see at this young age.

 

I watch him looking after younger kids and helping them put food in their mouth or putting their shoes back on them if they fall off. He just naturally does these things. He loves to eat and has gotten to where he'll try almost everything. If he doesn't like it, he'll make a face and spit it out but he likes quite a bit of variety. And what's cool is he likes almost all the foods I do and doesn't like most of the ones that I don't like either. Weird how that works. Also kind of weird but super cool is that we kind of look alike. I always think so and think maybe I'm just biased but other people keeping saying that too. I think that's neat.

 

He's very well adjusted and has settled in to life here as if he's been here all along. He's doing WAY better than I ever imagined or expected in such a short amount of time. Whenever I drop him off at school or Sunday school or even a friends house - as long as I've explained to him what is happening, he's totally cool with it. He just goes on in, gives me a hug and kiss and waves goodbye knowing he'll see me later. He totally gets the concept of mommy leaves but mommy always comes back. That is really cool. Now if I tried to spring something on him without advance notice, then he would cry and melt down but that hardly ever happens cause I know not to do that. He sleeps in his own bed. I hold him in the rocking chair till he falls asleep and then put him in his bed. He gets up in the middle of the night usually between 12 and 2 and doesn't even cry. He just gets up and comes across the hall to my room. I tried putting him back to bed for awhile but I learned pretty quickly that once he's woken up, he will wake up like every hour before morning and if he's in his own bed, he will get out everytime and come get me. That makes for a long, tiring night. What works better is that when he wakes up between 12 and 2 - I bring him in bed with me. He still wakes up a few times but he sees that I'm next to him and falls right back to sleep. Everyone gets more sleep this way. Trust me - that's much better! I don't want to start him out in the bed with me cause I want him to get used to sleeping in his room and once he's asleep, I get some me time which is so needed but this system works well for us. And pretty soon, I'm getting him a twin bed so I will just lay down with him in his room until he falls asleep. I think he'll fall asleep faster that way. He just gets these crazy bursts of energy at bedtime and it can literally take an hour or more to get him to fall asleep once the lights are off and he's in the chair with me. He keeps wanting to get in the bed and then back into the chair again and squirming around a million times and then back in the bed, then back in the chair - until he finally falls asleep. I'm hoping if I can just lay down with him in his twin bed - he'll fall asleep faster. We'll see.

 

My friends are getting a new bunk bed for their kiddo so I'm buying their twin bed from them. He's gonna really seem like a big boy in a real bed. And he'll be 4 this month. That's so crazy. He's small for his age but his motor skills have seriously like gone from 1 to 10 over these past 4 months. Amazing how much growth can happen when given the right opportunity and experiences. Looking back at the videos from the gotcha day - he just seems so much younger. He hasn't gained much weight but he's thinning out in the face and looking more like a little boy and less like a baby. Now he's going potty all by himself and is so independent and so smart. He pays attention to everything. If I move something while he's at school, he will notice it when he gets home. He amazes me everyday. I love him so much. I cannot believe that he wasn't part of my everyday life only a few months ago. It's hard to picture it now. Some days it's hard. A lot of days I have to give myself extra grace for not always responding the best way. But everyday, he's a blessing and a joy and a little miracle that I get to be "mommy" to. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

3 months home!

I swear it feels like we've been home 6 months or more. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it in a "holy cow - we've come so far in such a short amount of time" way. I mean, seriously, how could it have only been 3 months ago that we arrived at the Nashville airport exhausted and ready to collapse. Here's a look back:
Mihretu had cried for an hour of the 2 hour flight from Houston to Nashville and finally crashed. He was asleep through the entire process of getting off the plane, getting luggage, greeting all our friends and heading out to the parking garage. Merrill and I were in tears - like the ugly cry - "holy cow did we really just survive like 40 hours with a toddler?" kind of cry. There were moments when we didn't think we would make it. We both thought our bodies would collapse - literally. Mihretu was pretty good for most of the time considering how long we traveled and how crappy our travel schedule was but that flight from Frankfurt to Houston was brutal. There was tantrums which involved biting, spitting on and scratching mommy. It was all we could do to just get through it. The last flight was only 2 hours but like I said - it was a lot of crying - the poor boy was exhausted. And of course, dirty looks from others around me. I didn't even care. They had no idea what this child had been through or how long we'd been traveling and how exhausted we all were. Merrill & I were in tears before our plane even landed. FINALLY.... home... finally. I had all these plans to change my clothes and Mihretu's, freshen up a bit for the welcome home party. Yeah right. Mihretu was in the ergo carrier crashed out and I was not about to wake him. I was too tired to change clothes or even care what I looked like. Out of the airport we came and we were welcomed by our amazing friends who greeted us lovingly and quietly. Mihretu didn't even wake up as everyone side hugged me and came over to greet us and meet little man. I have no idea how long we stood there. I'm still trying to remember everyone who was there. It was like a blurry dream. I don't think I've ever been that tired.

 

Our first night home! Nov 1, 2012

So we got home to the house and Mihretu woke up and it was time to go in - this involved him meeting the dog for the first time. It went even worse than I expected. The blood curdling scream that came out of that little man was heart wrenching. He was literally freaking out. My friend who had stayed with Auty let Auty outside and I put up the baby gate and the month long process of trying to keep boy and dog separated began. All the friends left and it was just me with my new very overwhelmed son and our dog who was confused and stressed out and no longer able to be in the same room with us. I remember thinking "why did I not ask someone in the family to come help me?". I slept on the floor next to Mihretu's crib mattress that I put on the floor and the first few weeks honestly is kind of a blur. I remember him screaming everytime the dog got near and me having to hold him while I let her out or fed her cause of course I still have to do those things. Mihretu wanted to be held non-stop. I couldn't even set him down for a second or even think about turning to walk a few steps away from him without him freaking out. As the days went on, he did better and better with not needing to be held every second. My back appreciated that. Those first weeks, he certainly didn't know how to play with toys or maybe just didn't want to yet. He was curious about things but wanted me really close. He would climb on me in the night - I think he was afraid I would leave. And everything was so unfamiliar that he just wanted to cling to mommy. I had been praying about attachment and had hoped he would attach well but I don't think I was fully prepared for having him attached to me at all times, even while sleeping. Some days, I felt like the lack of personal space was just too much. I just kept pushing through, reminding myself that this was just a short season and celebrating every day that there was progress. I think the hardest thing about the first few weeks as a single mom was knowing I needed to do this alone for the attachment purposes but really feeling like I didn't know how I could do it alone when I felt so poured out that I was running on empty. We were sleeping 12 hours a night, going to bed ridiculously early, at first waking up at crazy hours because of jet lag. There was one morning when we first got home that we were so tired, we went to bed at like 4pm but then Mihretu was up for the day at 2:30 am. I think we took a nap that day at like 9 am and then tried our best to stay up till like 7pm. Bedtime then became 7pm every night and I never could find the energy to get back up after he was asleep to stay up and have some me time. Plus it was pretty hard to sneak out when Mihretu was sleeping right on me. And even when he wasn't - he would wake up like 10-20 times a night and reach out and touch me to make sure I was still there. So I usually just went to bed too. I was just too tired. When he slept, I slept. Jet leg and the 24/7 responsibility of this precious child who needed me so much more than I ever realized - I can't believe now how exhausting that was. I'm so glad those first few weeks are over. That was really hard to do alone. It was worth it but I say all that to encourage other single parents that it will pass and it is hard but it does get better. Thank God for us - it got better really fast in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't always seem fast at the time when you're just trying to get through the day. But when you look back a few months later - it seems amazingly fast.

Life 3 months later looks SO much different. It was about a month after he came home, that he started loving the dog and getting less and less afraid of her. Now he adores her and wants to be the one to let her out, feed her, give her treats and he wants to know what she's doing at all times. Auty isn't always sure what to think of him as he makes her anxious with his fast movements and loud noises but she's coming around too. And with the help of a dog trainer, it's getting better everyday. I am so thankful he's not terrified of her like he once was. Now he is fascinated with all dogs - he's scared of them at first but if they're friendly, he warms up fast and loves them.

He really loves cats too. We went to Build A Bear with a giftcard from friends and he chose to build a kitty cat. He takes that thing everywhere. And sleeps with it too. It's so cute. He also takes a little African baby doll I got him everywhere. It's so cute - minus the pink clothes, I think it looks like a mini version of him. Seriously, it really does. Don't ya think?



He puts the kitty and baby doll in the shopping cart I got him for Christmas and pushes them around like it's a stroller. He takes them in the car everywhere and always has to sleep with them, plus his other stuffed animals. His bed is 2/3 taken up by stuffed animals:)




Our routine now is waking up around 5:30 or 6am, getting ready for school on the weekdays which involves usually a bath, breakfast, letting the dog out and feeding her, M playing in my room while I get ready, brushing teeth, me packing his lunch and then us heading out the door for school - with the kitty and baby doll in tow. He knows they can't go to school with him but he still wants them in the car:) I drop him off before 8am and then head to work way earlier than I need to simply cause it doesn't make sense to go back home. I get off work around 5 and go pick him up by 5:30 from after care and we head home to let Auty out, give her dinner, eat dinner, take another bath, watch a movie (9 times out of 10 he choses Elf - he loves that movie) and then we start the bedtime routine of: brushing teeth, reading 4 or 5 short books, turning the lights off, turning on this angel thing that has pretty colors lighting up and turning on the moon which is a pillow pet that projects moon and stars on the ceiling, having a drink of water, going through all the sound options on the sound machine only to get it back to the one it's always on, readjusting the moon to several spots on the wall or ceiling until he gets it where he wants it, sometimes having to go potty and then finally trying to settle down into the rocking chair with mommy. Most of the time - there's a lot of bursts of energy and he gets out of the chair and into the bed and then back and forth like 10 times and sometime tries to jump on the bed or play with toys even in the dark and mommy has to tell him it's not time for playing, it's time for sleeping. I finally had to realize that he just isn't ready for bed at 7 or 8 anymore. His new bedtime is 9pm. Probably cause he's getting a really good nap at school. Trying to get him to sleep any early than 9 just sets us up for frustration and failure. So as of the last 3 nights, I embraced reality and we started the routine at 8 and he was asleep by 9. That seems to be working much better... for now. Although I always remind myself that things are always changing and there's never really a set routine - it's more of a guideline really:)

Weekends are similar except there's no work or school so after the morning routine that still starts early even though I would LOVE to sleep in (yeah right!) - we usually have a chill morning and watch a show or sometimes we have plans and we go to the zoo or a friends house or have someone over or go grocery shopping or whatever. I'm thinking about trying him at Sat morning gymnastics for toddlers. He loves to do somersaults and stuff so I bet he'd love it. They let you try it once for free so we'll see. Might even check it out this weekend. Sundays we go to church at 11. Mihretu goes downstairs for Children's Worship while I'm upstairs in worship and church. After Children's Worship, he goes to the 3 year old classroom and they do a bible story and have a snack and stuff. He cried the first few times but now he just goes right in like a big boy and does great. The teachers have been so great with him and always tell me how well behaved he is and how he loves to help clean up.

He really does love to help. Even at school. He likes to do adult type clean up activities more than playing with toys or other kids. At home, when I unload the dishwasher - he gets super excited when I hand him tupperware to put away. You'd think I just offered him candy. He really loves that type of stuff! If the trash is full - he will insist we take it out. He is very independent and always saying "Mihretu do it!" and wants to put on his own pants, squirt the soap to wash his hands himself, take care of the dog, get stuff out of the refridgerator, etc. He now does also like to play with toys too though. And more and more he's actually interacting with other kids when we have play dates. It's so neat to watch him play when he doesn't realize I'm watching. His imagination is really expanding. And his English is exploding. I sometimes forget he hasn't always spoke English because that's like all he speaks now and he's saying so much. Not everyone can understand him but I can. And it seems like almost every day he's saying a new word or two.

When we sit down to eat or rock at bedtime, we say a song prayer : God our father, God our father, once again, once again, we bow our head to thank you, we bow our head to thank you, amen, amen. He says the God our father, once again and amen part. God our father sounds more like "god affa" but it sure is cute to hear him try to say it and sing it. And if I ever forget to say it - he reminds me. At night when we say it - we then follow it by saying "Thank you for" and I pause and wait to see what Mihretu says. Almost always he says "Auty (our dog), Auntie Deb, Auntie Heather, Auntie Merrill, Eden (his friend at school), Sitota (his friend from the orphanage who got adopted at the same time and we still get to skype regularly with), mommy and then it can be anything from all the other people he can think of that he knows to food, water, Elf, Auty kaka (this one always cracks me up), potty, kitty, baby, elephant, giraffe, pizza and so on. The boys makes me smile!

It's so cute - when we get home after school and he's playing with his animals - I hear him in the other room saying "hi kitty! hi baby! hi giraffe! I miss you" and then he often kisses them and puts them in the stroller. My friend and co-worker Rachel took him to the zoo a few weekends ago while I went to a wedding and she said that he said hi to every single animal they came to.

Although I don't want to give the impression he's a perfect angel cause he's certainly strong willed and throws his fair share of tantrums and now loves to tell mommy no. And there's plenty of frustration around our house in navigating life with a stubborn toddler. But for the most part - he's pretty awesome and happy and silly and usually well behaved. I would say he's an extravert cause he gets energized when he's around people and loves to be the center of attention. He does great when other people babysit and totally seems to understand that mommy is coming back. He's a good eater and is trying more and more things and is doing great at sitting at the table now until his meal is finished. He's super helpful and even thoughtful - this week, I wasn't feeling good and had a nasty cold. I was coughing really severely one morning and Mihretu left the room and came back a few minutes later with my bottle of water. Super sweet of him to think of that on his own and want to help mommy. He loves to help little kids too. His favorite kid from small group is Maleah who is 1. Her shoe fell off once and he was very concerned and without anyone asking, he took it upon himself to put it back on for her. A few times I was trying to help feed her and he insisted that he do it instead. And he took the job very seriously and did a great job feeding her. So sweet. It makes me wonder what he'll be when he grows up. A nurse maybe? You just never know. But I just love getting to know who he is. He's a pretty amazing, resilient, fun little man. I'm blessed to be his momma!